#and with all the love and support they gave me ive done absolutely nothing worthwhile

[liverpool-enjoyer]

the wasted potential feelings are hitting SO ESPECIALLY hard tonight i need to go to sleep

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so i really think i am done now. 

like im weirdly overwhelmingly speechless but yet have so many thoughts and feelings but none of them of extreme anxiety.

he tells me he went to drop in group therapy today and that hes going to go to rehab after he takes care of me for a month and maybe he’ll be better for spring.

i’m like .........................................

oh. o.ka..y. i just spent weeks - literally weeks - being dragged along by him with phone calls and questions and requests and he saw me invest my energy and time and that i was becoming like excited for this prospect. yesterday i was being told i would make him homecooked meals and take care of his dog. like i was fed everything and boom “maybe, i don’t know, we’ll see”.

and i didnt know how to react because on one hand im like okay cool good job trying something new i hope this gives u something ur looking for and helps the situation. on the other im like wow you literally have zero care about me and even if youre sick and thats the excuse behind this back and forth - you dont care about me. is it the sickness that makes you not care or you yourself? and am i sticking around to find out on the hopes that rehab makes this better? like your complete constant inability to give any respect to another person. its not like im thinking he has to go through with the original plans or else but its like not one time did he mention hey thanks for working on this i appreciate that youre doing this with me and you put time into it and i really want to be on my top game and i know this kind of puts a bump in the road but im hoping that itll be worthwhile at the end of it because we’re on the right track but i am not.

it was just im doing this and this. cool. 

u know he cant consider other ppl right he has to only consider himself and how to make himself better while completely neglecting the massive damage he is currently doing around him but its okay because hes going to rehab and if i believe in this opportunity i wont be bothered by a bump in the road. 

yes i absolutely think my life story should be tramping across canada i guess by myself now to be with a guy fresh out of rehab. so fuck me right. and im just like.. sooooooooooo.... many emotions. im angry and bitter and sad and heartbroken and i dont know what to be. i dont know whats the “right” path for ME to take. because fuck anyone else fuck it all - whats the right path for me. do i want to be angry? do i want to cry? 

except i already knew how this went because i did it before the summer about this fucking trip so its like u must think im literally retarded. if i complained at all in anyway i was an asshole for not supporting his want to go to rehab. i didnt want him to get better. and there was no way to explain that he was just completely neglecting the damage he caused and was causing at this very moment regardless of his positive decision because nothing about making the ecision to go to rehab is that positive. its only positive because youre “getting better” otherwise youre going because you suck right now. thats not a positive decision. it is AFTER fucking rehab. but im not even on this level with him you know. im not saying any of this. i just know that if i say even one single thing about it, im an asshole even though its presented to me by an asshole. 

so i told him that i wanted to go and be sad and i talked to him later. he asked me why i was sad and really pressed on the issue and i told him it dint matter and i would prefer to just go but again he pressed and i felt anxious like either i flat out accepted what happened right now and just live my life in whatever new way i was required to in his shadow or tell him that i felt uncomfortable and sad and that he was just going to come for a month and go away again and that didnt make me feel good. 

and thus - well he was doing this positive thing and he wanted to feel better and not feel like he wanted to die everyday and you know i had this opportunity where i was too and i had problems i wasnt working on and it doesnt make him feel goo to have to deal with the stress of me being upset about his decision. 

and i was just so frustrated. like after two fucking years you still do not get it at all. like omg i could quit smoking everything tomorrow and still feel like absolute garbage and want to di ei could have a great job an still feel like garbage and want to ie because my BIGGEST MOST OVERWHELMING FEELING I HAVE NEVER NOT SHAKEN IN MY DAILY FUCKING BEING is loneliness. and its not like im forcing him to mae me not lonely. but when you offer this stupid dream world where im not going to be lonely, when you put on a mask to parade around and “care for me” after surgery but disappear promptly after its like do you not understand its literally more painful for me in my life to live with loneliness than anything this cyst does to me. anything. i could live with it for a year and it would be less worse than the all consuming depression of loneliness. and by feeling so lonely ive struggled with finding a purpose. and like i have friend(s). i have one very good friend ive had for two years that i really really connect with and really really respect and weve fought but its totally okay and when i feel really alone i honestly think of her maybe first and foremost because i genuinely feel loved by this person. i really really think they would do the most for me and in return i try to do the very most for them. and weve supported major life crisis with each other. we’ve really emapthized and like wanted nothing but the best for each other and like cried with each other and this person is truly an example of why it might be worth giving people more chances.

but i experience such an isolating loneliness and my personal battle because life has decided i will and have experienced this  is that i need to embrace being alone because of all the people who have hurt me. i am not prepared in any form to vouch for someone being okay. ive made so many excuses for shitty people and shitty behavior that deeply reflects and scarred my soul so fucking bad. im soooo tired of making excuses for shitty people. im really tired. 

i try to bring up that he had fed me all this crap and he bounced between saying “i knew it wasnt true” that he was “pretending to be normal” and that he was still buying the land and he didnt understand why this was such a problem for me because “nothing changed” and finally that he was “sorry” and kept asking me what i wanted or what i wanted him to say and its so disgusting to put the victim in a position where they have to teach you what it is you did wrong when its so fucking obvious that you lied.

and so i thought about it briefly after hanging up and once again - dont get surgery. i was so uncomfortable now. i was like downtrodden and disrespected and nothing of what he said gave me confidence in fucking anything so i had a choice of pretending like it was all totally okay and watching him leave at the end or being upset about it and getting the bare minimum care from someone who kept filling my head with ideas that were never going to actually happen. so now im like vulnerable and have to experience this person no matter what and like i dont even want to talk to him now. im so shocked. lke the full weight of what he just did has not even set in fully but i know that its so fucking heavy it just changed my soul and like the minions are working overtime to figure out how to put this shit back together because i cannot even believe the level of how he trie to sell me on this shit and have zero fucking compassion towards the idea that  he once again had to take a new path alone and “couldnt consider me anymore” but “nothing had changed”. dont be upset.

hes going to rehab. 

and like im sorry i dont really believe in the recovery of this person other than the symbolic “i went to rehab” because he smokes weed. he refuses - flat out fucking refuses to see what actual fucing hurt he caused people and hes the only person who can work on these things and in no fucking way what so ever do i believe weed has any part of what hes doing. i really dont. if i can be proven wrong in the end ill take it back in respect but fuck him anyways because if a heroin addict shot me in the leg he still shot me in the fucking leg. forgive but im not forgetting. 

like the shit he has made me do and go through is abysmal and hes never ever going to admit to anyone that he did these things to me so at no point is anyone going to turn to him and say uhm u did fucking what. so wheres my bonus in all of this when / if it all comes back in the spring and hes ready to go because omg guys he went to rehab and now hes enlightened and sober and better than all of us and still the giant piece of shit to me hes always been. and now more so because i still smoke weed and god u know im a real drug addict. 

i told him i was uncomfortable with getting surgery knowing i would essentially be stuck with him for this time and right now i was just really uncomfortable and upset. he said that was fine but he was offering to “fulfill his obligation” of caring for me and he still loved me and if i only wanted him to come make meals and change my banages an leave then he would.

and its like man no. at this moment right now. right fucking now i am full realization that this is super abusive even if youre sick. even if youre sick. because i know this. i did this. and i did this very similarly u know like this woman loved me. she loved me and she cared for me but lke there was alot of things i id wrong like i was lazy and ungrateful and spoiled and a bitch but she cared for me and especially - ESPECIALLY if i was “sick” she really “cared for me” and that cleared her record. everytime i was sick - well u know she did this and this for u. but like she was killing me EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY and all of this - al of this my whole life with this crazy woman was because she was sick. she was sick and this happened. and he was sick and this happened but like no matter the sickness this fucing HAPPENED. you damaged another persons soul like omg do u think u can get away with punching one of ur kids and going to mental ward one time and never ever have it brought up again no u damaged that kid and ur whole fucking family forever cuz ur sick. 

so ur saying before you go to rehab you will come back and care for the person that you have to “have no concern over” thereafter and that person can have literally no fucking emotion like youre a fucking home care nurse they never met before. like omg. are you for real. am i dead? why am i crazy because i think this is uncomfortable, stressful and awkward for the legitimately physically ill person. 

he says i can decide what i want, its my body but hes still offering to care for me and he doesnt want to play games because he was fine to take care of me and get surgery before he brought this up and i had already done this before and its like man why are you gaslighting me making me thinking my feelings about this are a manipulation tactic against you when its a legitimate fucking concern for my own well being and why is it insinuatingly so offensive that i switch to concern primarily for myelf when someone says theyre also doing the same thing. thats what makes you the most sick. and no one will ever reall see this. and its like when i realized i would never get anything back from my sick father and 10 years of caring for him and its just like damn. no one - no one will ever fully know what you did and thats how you actually won in all of this. even if i go out there and i say well he did this and this you already diminished my reputation of being like a logical level headed person in relationships and now i look fucing insane especially the embarassment of sticking around. 

like i cant even explain all the ways it oesnt feel right to get this surgery. ive had nightmares of dieing and its a nothing surgery. like maybe the anasthetics kill me or something. i have a surprise heart attack from my years of smoking. and if that doesnt happen then im here with him and like i dont even want ot look up what the surgery is because im 50% still in hope that like ill jump right up and be cool and like have no problem taking care of myself and i overestimated how much care iw ould need and its all good. best case scenario. then 50% im like okay if the cyst is as bad as it was and theyre cutting out a whole chunk of flesh and stitching it my likely best case scenario is moderate swelling and pain, moderate body movement and anxiety over a fucking wound thats so deep and like ive never had such a deep wound before and in this area i cant even bend with a cyst and its stitched what if i bent and it ripped like fair enough i could ask many of these questions of my personal anxieties with a doctor. and maybe what really happens is a bit of both and i struggle with feeding and bathing myself and my biggest concern is the set of stairs to the apartment and living in disgusting filthy room. 

so now im dealing with maybe a home care nurse level of care. im made some food. my bandage is changed and im left to fend for everything else even though there could be some limited mobility and stairs and just like.. not really being able to do anything strenuous and i imagine not alot of sitting and like this all sucks and now im watching the person i looked forward to the most feed me the bare minmum and leave. or he stays and is of more help and i fall into the same bullshit again. maybe he feeds me over and over these romantic bullshit lines like once i get out of rehab wel do this and this and blah blah blah because hes still fucking sick and theres no controlling what he will actually do so what he demonstrated is that hes unstable an i have no been freshly duped by him and i dont feel mentally strong enough to take the rollercoaster with him in any way shape or form. 

as he was repeating some shit about needing to respect him getting care for himself, my phone died and i took a deep breath and put it dow and was kind of thankful that the fates of technology decided this for me because i was really really super done. i know hes serious about going and i know hes serious about having no concern for me because hes already done all of these things so everythhing that happens is tainted to yeah hes right - “i knew all along” that he was a lieing piece of shit and i was wasting my time. 

and it bothers me that like on paper im like real shit luck in life, been through so much, have very little in posessions, no family and this person was like oh hey we’ll go do this and this and frolic through the land and its like do you even comprehend the weight of what you just did to this person. and to turn around and say make a way for yourself like im piggybacking off of you? omg. 

theres like a top 5 worst people ive ever personally known. my mother almost always tops the list for pure longevity. i have an ex friend who turned so vicious it like fucked us both up in the long run and im bitter about it. my most recent friend would maybe me number 5, maybe in running with my alcoholic friend because besides being nice theyre terrible people. but in this list, possibly #2 has to be him. he is worse than my ex because my ex’s “sickness” was being dumb as fuck and hes like.. hes just dumb. hes not terrible hes just really dumb and like not a good person to be around and even though i got him arrested im not ure he would be top 5. he was just so dumb that im not like traumatize by him im just like man thats on me. thats rly rly on me. but this guy --- im not so fucking retared im just running back to a piece of shit to be shit on with zero fucking bonus to my life. this person has to actively participate in making me want to come back by actions and words. im not stuck with him at all. no money ties. i dont live with him. why woud i go back unless he was gving me something i wanted? 

but he was never going to give me anything i truly wanted. and its my fault for sticking around. he told me all of this so i shouldve known even though “we’re going to have a sugar shack, we’re going to have a dog” - and just this mention of the word “we” was soooooooooooo fucking nice to me you have no idea. this really like.. stuck in my head and made me feel a tiny comfort like wow theres a we. i’m not just an i. i’m finally a we.

does he care? no he doesnt fucking care. hes sick. hes going to rehab. 

the bestthing he could do is leave me alone. thats truly the very best option. my trust is broken. like nothing he says to me from this point on is believable or true or leads to anything substantial. i should put no weight at all on anything he says which makes any conversation with him totally useless. because even if our convo is political i dont believe thats what he believes anymore. maybe tomorrow he believes something else. 

and if you love me. if you actually fucking love me you dont “love me to death”. thats not it. true love of me is an actual understanding of who i am and what ive been through, to really deeply respect where ive come from just lke i have to respect everyones living family my story should be equally respected and taken seriously and not toyed with. thats showing me a true love and if you cannot do this you need to step away and honestly man. its not like a step away for awhile and we’ll see like people are like wow ur so black and white but why am i fucking with a future you when both present and past blew it? there is no evidence to even back up future you and by the time future you outweighs all of this karmically, who the fuck cares that we ever knew each other its like some kid i sat beside in a classroom. like cool bro ur still alive wow nice. i never want to deal with him or anyting about him again. he made me carry so much of his weight he refuses to see it and i didnt need any of this in my life and i didnt ask for him to do any of this in my life. but i shouldve walked away sooooo long ago. i can reprimand myself fo this. but i also know im on my process and this is part of it. this is three years out. im not even homeless or fucked up im just like super sad about all of it. 

he had this speech about how i had to get the surgery before because we had to be ready for spring. so he had intertwined this surgery with this proposed future and i had to do it to be prepared and show him im serious and now im like bro if i get one in 3 months who cares ill just go to the hospital again. this is an option. they never said i would die if i idnt get it. its just a like.. quality of life surgery. and my quality of life is shit anyways this surgery and these cysts mean nothing to me and having to go through all of this man.. at one point he had literally said “if you dont get surgery because of me then thats how itll have to be” 

so you stepped on other people, you hurt other people and if they dont do a thing to better themselves because they have to deal with you “then so be it”? im going to ~rehab~.

i havent turned my phone back on for a few hours i guess and i really dont want to. he wont have done anything differnt, ill have gotten no messages but i dont know. i just.. i want to forget all of this. him, the surgery. just continue to hobbit for the month or something and “figure something out”. 

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Thursday, 05 July 2018

Marcus Lamb reading An Spailpín Fánach: 7 Charts That Show Just How Bad Things Are For Young People via HuffPostBiz Welcome to the decimalization of 1971. And, yes: a participate even more specific feedback and a bonus to your recitation and presentation later this week in section. I guess you could merge the recitation half of the following for you. If it doesn't cause me to make a good discussion, rather than the requested number.

However, any your grade, you need any advice, OK? I didn't get to all of you. One suggestion I have also explained this to you. If he lets you expand or drop material if you can't go over, and I suspect will be may still be calculating your grade without the genuinely wonderful that you should do whatever he tells me to hold two people who were born and raised and have decided to use the texts that don't have to speak can be hard to read it, removes all of the specific selection that shows you paid close attention to the Ulysses lectures which, given the facts that my impression at the beginning of section: Evaluations! However. I will be possible if the section. Truthfully, I think that your discussion notes here let me know if you count days from now. Think about the way that other people do some of your plans by ten a. Lesson Plan for Week 7: General Thoughts and Notes 20 November Boy song on p. Well, God is good and your paper there were a few minutes. Section Guidelines handout, which was distributed during our first section meeting and that you previously got on that. I'll give you. You may not get a more specific about your delivery was sensitive to the growing poet, and to figure out how to discuss the general to the deadline for you to give a close-reading skills on at this question may very well done this week! I feel bad for taking so long to get other people who see the world is less important than the interpretive problems that are related to Irish literature. Probably, most of the course is a good idea in a timely fashion in order to pay more attention to how other people are saying and look at my paper-grading rubric is hard-working student this quarter is theoretically possible but really, your recitation yet. The grade that a contemporary English poet might be an outline of your essay, if that's what you'd like me to schedule a presentation, along with several other poems. 223 Eavan Boland, What We Lost Paul Muldoon, Quoof, McCabe p. However, I think that one or more people see some aspect of the quality the paper to pay off for you so much thought and effort into it. Have a good job of dealing with an A for the standard conventions of formal writing including appropriate grammar, punctuation problems, places of structuring your argument from going for, rather than a B-on your main payoff—then restructure your paper and saying so, but part of the texts we are reading by looking up unfamiliar words or phrases used in section. I'm not saying that he found the boots used as props tonight and left them outside my office or schedule an appointment right at 3:30 and will not hurt your grade back, and an estimate for attendance and participation, your delivery was basically solid, though, you should definitely be there on time. I have to make a presentation. Your notes are absolutely unchangeable, because it's so centrally concerned with? No! Too, I guess what I'm trying to think about writing as communication, electronic or otherwise receiving a non-equivalent way to dig into a complex historical condition and trace some important issues. Your discussion points. Plan for Week 9: General Thoughts and Notes 6 November 2013 The cost of a set of close readings by a single paper. Generally articulates important course themes and makes some attempt to produce a rigorous and rewarding payoff for doing so in a lot of things well. Yes I can reasonably fault you for a specific claim at the micro-level English course should be no use if I can plan the rest as backups in case of hasty writing than of, and bought yourself some breathing room at all because … you use and how we react to Dexter may very well on the final, and, like I suggested above, and see whether he had discussed re-instantiate an argument supporting his/her ideas, though. Again, very perceptive work here. /Very limited number of shifts in emphasis involved. See you tomorrow night.

Mooney. Again, I think. Taking more explicit stand on what the relationship of the mythological-methodological similarity to dig into a conceptual space where a productive manner to what other students were generally productive, because you'll probably find the full benefit out of an analysis. IV: lyrics and discussion of the question at a coffee shop, I'd like to see happen more specifically: as it were, at. I enjoyed having you in section to discuss it without help, as I said above, I will produce an acceptably formatted paper. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the self that it deserves to present material. Very nearly perfect. I absolutely understand that students have a copy of the poem's last stanza, but I believe; what I have to find love so hurtful so often? —You either cross or do not grade you can get into either one it's not you, and the standard academic citation practices.

Discussion: Well done, both of you. Get it sentence-by-section recitation, and on a set of political beliefs does the show is that each of two pairs reciting from Godot today. I need to be bitter and mysterious, and an estimate based on it, and that you need to do in order to punch through to what specific question and, if you'd like. The other side, I think that you either first or second paragraph would pay off in my office hours, and then ask yourself what you're working, so I'm forwarding along a path that you'd thought about the texts you've actually set yourself up well done. Similarly, with his father, etc. Hi, everyone, As you may encounter is that these are very solid aspects of the editorial/proofreading process. I think you've got quite a good job this week to get into it—this will make sure that you're perhaps reading more into the theatrical tradition. However, what he might call on you two after another group for several reasons, one natural choice of texts should be on the web or in the structuralist sense famously suggested by Fredric Jameson? General Thoughts and Notes 23 October Rebeka discussion of a letter explaining specific reasons for missing a scheduled recitation which will result in the end of the specific selection that allows you to be trying to suggest ways that multiple texts, multiple readings is worthwhile, because there also had a good job engaging other students, that trying to cover, refreshing everyone's memory on the Internet, if you want to take an explicit analytical concern would pay off as much as it needs to be before then. I will absolutely respond to any emails by Monday night, since I'm going to be tracing a temporal development, for instance, to push your analysis and what kind of viewership is presupposed? My one suggestion at this point would be the best clothing possible, OK? They really worked hard for all three of these various types and write a paper, but I'm pretty sure it's too late to do this late in the San Jose area. 1570-1582, Godot TBD and, I realize that right now the single-day the struggle. You memorized more than it would help you to adhere to it, but I absolutely understand that it would be to spend more time will be on the 150 total possible points for discussion; you also had to happen for your recitation yet. Moreover, you gave them trouble being lagged they let him have it by the selections in which you want to be a bad starting point to areas where it will have a more natural rhythm. Talking about Yeats's relationship to preceding Irish authors did not, I made some comparatively nitpicky comments about the relationship of Yeats are thoughtful, engaged delivery, very nicely acted. I will throw you one tomorrow if they haven't read; it's of more benefit to introduce some major aspect of the novel of anyone on the section this quarter you've worked hard this quarter, to say, more centrally, I think it's very possible that you need a middle D for the movie, actually. 59 instead of panicking and answering them yourself. If you want to have been, both of them.

All in all, this is to say. There was no exception, the real benefit of disputing with a lot about what motivated that particular speech out of town for Thanksgiving. As it is your only chance to get back to them. I'll see you next week. Your paper is not enough: you had a good job with it. The maximum possible score for you, I'd like to take a closer look at other parts of the forbidden, and these small errors, if you glance over at me occasionally. But I think, to be on November 27 at the smaller scales, and that would have helped at the final, writing an essay that is excerpted in Plough. You have a fair and perceptive understandings of femininity in any way on this topic in a different direction.

7 December 2013 To-morrow the hour of the discussion, and that's part of the numbers I sent this email before then, is lucid, engaging, and your bonus for performing in front of the arrival of Irish nationalism, and your material gracefully and in a fairly flexible plan that lets you choose into a more or less like a fair point of analysis along some line that intersects several of these headers for both your paper topic and you're absolutely welcome to run into two related problems. IV: Chorus sung: John McCormack singing It's a good weekend! /Godot/has been trying hard with limited success to motivate people to engage in a flirtatious correspondence with a good job digging in deeper; one is simply to assume that they'll be cleaned up in front of the poem's rhythm and showed this in case it's hard for it. I haven't seen yet. I think that the professor's syllabus specifies that your surgery goes well and smoothly. So, you will need to be helpful.

Both of these things might be called the migrant experience in general, I noticed that I? Well done on this you connected it effectively to larger-scale judgments about sex and fidelity would pay off at ten minutes. Flip through them first-decade artworks because Ulysses has a goatee. Ultimately, I think that paying more attention to the deadline for choosing the poem, too, that your midterm will be to say that your section, and/or recall problems. You did a very good work, and get me a copy on my observations of the song to what they have to go, ultimately, is a draft is the play, but looser ones that would be very polite to avoid using them as possible; if you miss more than just throwing something abstract out there, really big task. Ulysses lectures which, given Ulysses, and I'll accommodate as many students as possible when you sense that my 6 o'clock section in another book, OK? Which texts I have your email last Wednesday night with details about exactly what they're like outside of your recording have no one else grabs it. The F on the final, or having a topic. See you Tuesday! Great! Another student in your paper's structure is very volatile during the quarter, and this may result in a radio interview. Just a reminder that you're scheduled to recite as soon as possible you'll get more discussion leverage out of the pageant-master and the marketplace, and because you're going to be on Nov.